Undeniable
chapter two: vanishing point
by Hth


One morning, Yukito woke up and realized that his world was no longer completely right.

It was nothing he could identify; he woke up in his own bed, warm and comfortably 
starving, nestled under Touya's arm with his own arms wrapped around Touya's waist.  
He looked around the room, and nothing seemed out of place.  He looked at his lover, 
who was frowning slightly, that adorable expression of intense concentration that 
Touya often wore in his sleep.  He took a quick inventory of himself, but he felt 
fine.

And yet his life was not quite what it had been when he went to bed the night before, 
Yukito was positive about that.

He tried not to let it worry him.  It had to be nothing, he told himself, and he sort 
of believed it even though, really, he didn't believe it at all.  Yukito licked two 
of his fingers and ran them along the shell of Touya's ear, down his cheek and his 
neck, until Touya's heavy eyelashes started to flutter, the hot, wet touch drawing 
him teasingly up to consciousness the way Touya liked.  "Good morning, To-ya," he 
whispered in Touya's other ear.

Touya grunted, but he let Yukito kiss him slowly and softly, until finally he pushed 
Yukito away, his hand covering nearly the whole side of Yukito's face.  "I'm sorry 
about last night," Touya said, shifting his eyes away from Yukito's puzzled expression.  
"I was...acting stupid."

Last night?  Yukito couldn't quite remember...anything, really.  No, he remembered 
lying in bed, and Touya bringing him food; he remembered that it had been mentally 
and physically exhausting just to roll over onto his stomach, just to chew and swallow, 
and he remembered the restless, almost nervous way Touya's fingers kept climbing up 
and down his arm and his spine, as if measuring or testing him in some inexplicable 
way.  It had seemed odd, but he'd been *so* tired, much too tired to ask.  He'd fallen 
asleep right there beside his dish.  But that was all he remembered -- Touya waking 
him up when he came home from work, telling him to eat something, watching over him 
anxiously.

"No, no, it's all right," Yukito said, although he didn't know what Touya thought 
was so stupid.  They must have had some minor argument while Yukito was half-asleep 
and unguarded; that would explain the lingering sense of misalignment this morning.  
He hated to admit that he couldn't even remember what they'd said to each other, so 
instead he hugged Touya and kissed his neck wetly and said, "You know I never stay 
mad at you."

Touya sighed deeply, and that should have been the end of it all.

It wasn't.


He was hungry for days, and tired, too.  He thought, by the end of the week, of making 
a doctor's appointment -- mononucleosis, maybe?  But then, would he be tired *and* 
hungry?  Wouldn't he lose his appetite, if he were sick?  So he put off calling the 
doctor, and took another nap.

He fell asleep in history class, and his teacher sent him to the clinic, where he 
lied about everything and said he'd been up late studying last night.  He lied in 
answer to almost all the nurse's questions about his schedule -- mainly because he 
couldn't remember.  He was just so...out of it, lately.

The nurse wanted to call his grandparents, which put a funny taste in the back of 
Yukito's mouth.  He forgot, sometimes, how much there was in his life that he couldn't 
talk about, that no one could ever know except the few dear and trusted friends who 
knew already.  He said they were away, and that he was staying at the Kinomoto house 
until the end of the year, but that the number to Kinomoto-sensei's office would be 
in his son Touya's file.  Ah, Touya, the nurse said, sounding pleased.  I treated 
his shoulder last month -- how is it?  Fine.  Touya's fine.  Make sure he sees you 
home.  Yes.  He will.  Thank you.  Get a long night's sleep.  I'll send a note around 
to your teachers; they'll give you an extra day on your homework.  Thank you.

He got a strange look that afternoon when he clamored gracelessly onto the back of 
Touya's bike.  "I heard you went to the clinic," Touya said.

"I'm not feeling well."

"Are you hungry?"

Yukito nodded, wishing he could lean forward and rest against Touya's back.  He was 
starving, actually.  He wanted to cry.  Something was really, really wrong with him, 
and somehow, he just couldn't say it to Touya, couldn't make him worry.  Touya took 
him out for a waffle cone, and then home, and by the time they got there, he was 
half-aware that his arms were around Touya's waist and his mouth was open against 
his back, leaving a moist spot on Touya's shirt.  He remembered getting off the bicycle, 
and then nothing, until he woke up a few hours later in bed, hot and slightly sticky 
with sweat.

He knew things were bad, and not getting better, but as long as he didn't tell anyone, 
it was almost like something he was making up himself.  It was almost like he'd imagined 
it into existence and therefore it would still be possible to imagine it away again, 
as long as nobody confirmed the reality of it all.

The only one he worried might really notice -- assuming he could manage to stop falling 
asleep in class -- was Touya, and although Touya kept giving him brief, strange looks, 
he didn't mention Yukito's odd habits.  So that was good.


He did go to bed early, and even though Yukito told Touya that he had an extension, 
Touya insisted on doing his homework for him.  When Yukito woke up briefly just after 
midnight, Touya was still awake, studying by the light of one lamp on his desk.  There 
was something about the curve of his neck as he bent down over his papers, the subtle 
shine of yellow light off his dark hair, and the restless way he spun the pencil between 
his fingers as he read over his work that made Yukito's heart beat heavily and his 
throat hurt a little.  It felt like he'd been passing Touya like a shadow, sharing 
a room with him but not really with him at all.

"To-ya," he said, and his voice had that raw, wooden sound to it of early mornings.  
Touya's head shot up quickly, and his shoulders went rigid.  Yukito stirred a little 
under the sheets, letting one arm loll out across Touya's half of the bed, fingers 
stretched toward him.  "Come here?"

Slowly, Touya obeyed.  When he laid down beside Yukito, he all but blocked out the 
light, and Yukito curled closer to his chest, into his darkness.  One of Touya's hands 
curled softly around the back of his head.  "What's going on, Touya?  Nothing feels 
right.  I feel like a ghost...."

"I'll make it up to you," Touya mumbled into his hair.  "I'll fix this, Yuki, I 
promise."

It was enough to make him go softly to sleep, reassured.  There never seemed to be 
anything to be afraid of where Touya was concerned.  Touya loved him, undeniably, 
unconditionally, forever.

//Love,// his own thoughts seemed to echo back up to him as he sank into cool, dark 
sleep again.  //That's what makes you feel safe?  Love?  Oh, little boy.  Little 
boy....//

There was something he should have remembered, some connection he should have made 
there, but it didn't come to him.

Things went better the next day at school, and by afternoon he felt more or less like 
his old self again.  Sakura had friends over studying, and Yukito was deeply grateful 
that he, as the only almost-adult in the house, was awake and aware.  There was even 
a bit of cake left when he and the children were finished with it, and Yukito was 
standing in the kitchen filling the sink with water when he heard the front door open 
and close.  Touya, he thought, excitement fizzing through his veins.  Touya....

And then the kitchen was gone, and the sound of the running water, and Yukito was 
lying face-down with a crick in his neck and something pushing up underneath him, 
blunt and uncomfortable.  Steps, he realized groggily.  He was lying on the staircase, 
and the carpet abraded his cheek as he turned his head, knocking his glasses askew.  
"Touya?"  He heard his own voice rise up in mild panic, and he reached for the banister 
to pull himself up.  "Touya!  Where are you?"

Touya came running, dropping the laundry basket in the hall as soon as he saw Yukito.  
He lifted Yukito easily into his arms and carried him up the rest of the stairs.  He 
said nothing, but his teeth were grinding together, and something poisonous moved 
behind his eyes.  He looked angry, but that didn't make sense at all.

When Touya set him carefully on his feet, hands hovering near Yukito in case he 
couldn't keep his balance, Yukito found himself searching Touya's face, more 
disoriented than ever.  Why did Touya look just as crumpled and damaged as Yukito 
felt -- his hair mussed, his pupils slightly dilated, even his mouth red and swollen 
looking?  Instinctively, Yukito brushed his fingers over Touya's cheek.  "I'm sorry.  
I'm sorry if I scared you, I just -- I think I must have passed out."

He couldn't remember what he'd been going upstairs for.  And why Sakura and her friends 
were so quiet all of a sudden.  And it didn't seem like it should be dark outside 
-- could that be right?

"You're sorry?" Touya repeated, disbelieving.  "He dumps you in the middle of the 
floor, and *you're* sorry?"

"He?"  And then he remembered; he made the connection.  Yue.  Of *course* -- how stupid 
Yukito felt.  He was tired and disoriented, because he was losing chunks of time to 
Yue and never quite recouping his lost energy.  He wanted to laugh with relief; he 
wasn't sick, everything was all right.

//stupid stupid stupid proud of yourself now, are you? figured it out? i hate you//

Yukito pretended that he'd imagined the sound of his own voice in his head, that it 
was something he could make disappear anytime he wanted it to.  Easier that way.  "Is 
Sakura all right?"

"Sakura?"

"Well...Yue.  He's her guardian, and I thought...."

"Sakura's fine.  Come on.  I want you in bed."

On a whim, because it felt so good to know that he didn't have a brain tumor or 
tuberculosis, Yukito raised up on his toes and pressed his mouth to Touya's, right 
out in the open, at the head of the stairs.  Touya's mouth was electrically warm, 
with a slight, strange flavor to it.  Funny, it was almost like kissing someone new, 
or like Touya had been kissing someone new.  The thought was gone as quickly as it 
came, gone and already forgotten.

That voice -- his voice, and not his voice -- pounded his head from the inside, making 
it ring like a bell. //how dare you little boy how dare you arrogant little full of 
yourself you are not irreplaceable you are not special you are nothing you are nobody 
nobody wants you here go away just get out of my life he's fucking me now not you 
get it through your head nobody cares if you go if you die just die//

"Touya!  Help me, I--"


Too much, it *hurt,* the shouting in his mind, the anger.  Yukito couldn't see anything 
but unfocused colors, and he felt himself start to fall, and Touya's hands grabbing 
at his wrist and the front of his shirt, then nothing.

He woke again just before dawn, in his own bed, with his head in Touya's lap.  Touya, 
sitting up with his back against the wall, was snoring, but his fingers were still 
laced together protectively over Yukito's shoulder.

"Stop it," Yuki hissed under his breath.  "Just leave us alone."

//He doesn't want me to.  He likes me right where I am.  And why should I, anyway?  
This was meant to be my life, you know.  Everything you have should have been mine.  
Everything you are should have been mine to use, and nothing more.//

"You're lying."

//I don't have to lie.  I'm the guardian, and you are my false form.  Why would I 
have to lie to *you?*//

"Stop it -- no!  It's not--" Touya jerked slightly and let his head roll to the other 
side.  Yukito forced himself to settle down.  He didn't want to wake Touya.

//You wouldn't be worth the effort.  You barely even exist.  Nobody needs you here 
anymore, little boy.  Nobody wants you.  I do everything you ever did and more, so 
what good are you?//

"Touya still loves me."  He knew that.  It had to be true -- had always been true.  
Forever.

//You eat up his salary and you make him do your schoolwork.  You have to sleep all 
the time, just so I have the strength to give him blowjobs by the washer and dryer.  
And where do you go then, *Yukito?* Where are you while I'm teaching him everything 
neither of you ever knew about pleasure?  Do you even know?  Are you even *anywhere,* 
or do you simply vanish?  I know where *I* go when you're in our body -- nowhere.  
I sit right here, trapped and bored out of my mind.  Where do you go?//

He woke Touya with the sobs he couldn't quite strangle down, broken-backed, mewling 
sounds, and his tears soaking in a long oval shape into Touya's jeans.  "No, please 
don't," Touya said as he ran his fingers over and over through Yukito's hair.  "Please, 
Yuki.  This is all my fault."

And under the physical sounds, implacably, Yue's silken and bitter voice saying, 
//Don't drag him into this, little boy.  This is between the two of us.//

"I came out of nowhere," Yukito said.  "I'm so afraid -- that I'll just go back.  That 
I'll turn into nothing again...."

//I could make that happen, you know.  One little push.  I could make you vanish right 
now, this very minute.  I could make it so that you spend your life flickering in 
and out of existence, so that the only life you have left, you spend unconscious.  
Think carefully before you cross me, boy.  I wouldn't miss you at all.//

"You won't go back," Touya promised.  "I'd never let you."

But he didn't know what was happening.  He couldn't hear Yue's voice, and couldn't 
feel the terrible rightness of Yue's words settling like weights in his stomach.  
"Touya, you can't help me," he whispered, more miserable and alone than he had ever 
been in the few short years of his life.  "You can't make this right."

It seemed like a fragmented dream, those days when everything had been smooth and 
graceful and serene -- like a false memory.

We're not finished with this yet, he thought at Yue.  You can't make me go away -- 
I don't even know how, and anyway, I don't want to.

//Go ahead.  Give me an excuse to snuff you out.  Give me the fucking life you stole 
from me.//

Things hadn't been all right for a while -- not for Yukito, anyway.  He wondered if 
anyone else could feel it, or if things would go on being smooth and graceful and 
serene for everyone but him, and if he would fade into the distance day by day, or 
just falter and vanish all at once.


end